Pesah. Time for old recipes and new ones. Bruce Feiler recently asked “what is the secret sauce that holds a family together?  What are the ingredients that make some families effective, resilient, happy?”

Drawing upon recent research in team building from both Silicon Valley and the armed forces, Feiler writes that “the single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative.” 

Intrigued by something his wife noticed about students with disabilities, Prof Marshall P. Duke of Emory University developed a twenty question measurement of history and resilience. Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth? Do You Know?

Feiler writes: “The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned.”  Following 9.11, Duke’s research team discovered that “the ones who knew more about their families proved to be more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress.”

There are three basic story-lines. One is the way many Jews look at our history: Once we had it all, our own land and sovereignty, but then we went into Exile. The family narrative is “once we did well, but then…  we lost it. The family in decline.

Another is the family ascendant. This is sort of like the Pesaẖ haggadah: begin with degradation and culminate with praise. Once we had nothing, but through hard work and much blessing we became successful.

A third family narrative is of oscillation. It tells of ups and downs, losses and injuries, successes and home runs. The message: whatever happened, we got through it and stayed together. That is how Maimonides describes the Jewish journey from Avraham and Sarah through his time. Our sippur tells of exile and return, golden ages and pogroms, Holocaust and Israel. But by remaining united and strong, we have survived and thrived.

Not only do individuals have to tell stories. So do groups. French sociologist Maurice Halbwachs developed the idea of "collective memory," to describe awareness of the historic past as molded by society. Collective memory involves knowledge of what took place in the past, as well as events, ceremonies, and memorials that are developed by a society to nurture and sustain this memory.

I have noticed that in the Israel Defense Forces, the way soldiers are trained has changed from beating them down to building them up. Much effort is spent on developing group identity and pride in the history of the particular squad, unit or division. Soldiers are brought to Yad Vashem and the Kotel, Mt Herzl and Masada. Hayyalim with history internalize why they must defend Israel.  That is why a national narrative is so important for a country.

When President Obama visited Israel last week, he devoted time and attention to the Israeli national narrative. He was welcomed because he could articulate our story.

How do we convey family history? Yom Tov meals, family get-togethers, even a walk to shul. Dr Duke said, that “the hokier the tradition, the more likely it is to be passed down. These traditions become part of your family”. Our family has traditions about cleaning for Pesaẖ and putting dishes away at the end of the hag. As we do all this, we tell stories about our lives. At Seder, we stay up late, complain, and then sing funny songs. We prepare special foods and use china passed down from another generation.

The Colombian writer, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, has observed: "What matters in life is not what happens to you, but what you remember and how you tell it”  (Living to Tell the Tale). Family communication involves more than talking through issues. It also means “telling a positive story… When faced with a challenge, happy families, like happy people, just add a new chapter to their life story that shows them overcoming the hardship”.

On Pesaẖ, there is a specific mitzvah of sippur: telling the story of the Exodus. V’higadta L’vinkha- You shall tell your children. But it is not enough to simply read the haggadah to recall the past. "In every generation one is obligated to see oneself as if you went out of Egypt”.  "And even if we were all wise, filled with understanding, all elders and all learned in the Torah, we would still be obligated to tell the story of the Exodus from Egypt."

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks writes: “There is a fundamental difference between knowing and telling the story. We do not tell the exodus to know what happened in the past. We do so because each telling engraves that event more thoroughly in the memory, and because each year adds its own insights and interpretations”. The annual accretions transform the Seder from a review of the past to an account of the present and a preview of the future.

Dr Brachi Elitzur identifies five elements of the Exodus narrative that have molded the collective memory of our people:

1.  By telling how the Egyptians oppressed our ancestors, we are taught to treat the stranger and the servant with respect and compassion.

2.  By telling of Divine power in the plagues and crossing the Sea, we develop a sense of God’s care and concern for our people.

3.  By telling of Divine care, we remind ourselves that even during times of Exile, God is still with us, and strengthen our faith in future redemption.

4.   By telling of God’s special love for the people of Israel, we reinforce the idea of chosenness and connection between God and the people of Israel.

5.  By telling of the Exodus as a unique miracle, we teach ourselves that future success will depend on our efforts.

The mitzvah of telling – through words, rituals, and food - makes the Seder a powerful way of fusing our personal and collective memory. We gain resilience as individuals, vibrancy as families and strength as Jews, internalizing the narrative that will enable us to meet and overcome challenges.

The American playwright, August Wilson, once observed, “Our grandfathers and mothers lived ugly and died to preserve a way of life that was important to them. They taught us everything we know to be true. Every conceivable act of life was mapped out and handed to us. We got the maps stored in the closet, we got them hidden under the bed.  It has been years since we looked at them. Our children know nothing about them.”

So Feiler’s advice for parents is similar to what rabbis have been telling Jews for generations. For a happier, more resilient family, “create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come”.

Brachi Elitzur,The Collective Memory of the Exodus 

Bruce Feiler, “The Stories that Bind Us”

Marshall Duke, “The Stories that Bind Us: What Are the Twenty Questions?” 

Wikipedia, Maurice Halbwachs

Jonathan Sacks, Haggadah with commentary.