Learn the Dates
The first anniversary of my mother’s death was two weeks ago today.
Her first yahrzeit begins this Sunday at sundown.
A few years ago, I attended a free seminar about grief and loss. While the session was open to the public, many in attendance were folks who work in “people-facing” fields—teachers, guidance counselors, doctors, nurses and clergy—hoping to gain some insight into how to best relate to the diverse lived experiences of those they interact with on a daily basis.
The psychologist leading the session imparted that when establishing and/or maintaining a relationship with someone who is grieving, it is important to “learn the dates.” What he meant is that certain dates on the calendar can be difficult for someone who is grieving, so it is important for those in a caring role to have an idea of what those dates might be and what makes them hard, to check in and be a support on and around those times. Along with the date of death, birthdays and wedding anniversaries are probably the most obvious to note, along with learning if any holidays, whether secular or religious and/or cultural, or other significant dates on the calendar might be difficult for someone who has lost a loved one. (Interestingly, this seminar took place on February 14—Valentine’s Day. I’m not sure if that date was selected on purpose or if it was just a coincidence.)
As Jews living in the twenty-first century in North America, we are often faced with the unique challenge of looking at two calendars superimposed on top of one another. On the Jewish calendar, the day begins at sundown; on the secular calendar, it technically begins at the stroke of midnight, though some might say it starts when you wake up or at the beginning of the work or school day. Rosh Hashanah always begins on Tishrei 1, but how many times have you heard “Oy, the holidays are so early this year!” (I do enjoy an Erev Rosh Hashanah cookout when the holiday coincides with Labour Day) or “Oy, the holidays are so late this year” (like this coming year, when all of the fall holidays are in October…better bundle up for Sukkot!).
In her book The Tapestry of Jewish Time: A Spiritual Guide to Holidays and Life-Cycle Events, Rabbi Nina Beth Cardin writes: “Jews are fundamentally united by four things: Torah—the laws, ways, traditions, and stories of the Jewish people; Sinai—our Covenant with God and one another that gives us a common identity and common mission; Israel—our spiritual homeland and our people; and the calendar—the way we organize, name, and mark time.” (p. 15)
I will always remember that my mom died on June 14. And to be honest, if it weren’t for the personal calendar I created through HebCal and the yahrzeit reminder I received from Beth Tzedec, I wouldn’t have known that her yahrzeit is on the 25th of Sivan (which I had to go look at in order to write this). For some of us, it is second nature to think about and organize our lives according to the Jewish calendar. For others, it’s hard enough to keep one calendar straight, let alone two. But if we each take the time to “learn the dates,” those moments in time that are special or sacred, meaningful or challenging, we are able to deepen our connections to our people—our loved ones we are missing, our support networks who love us and hold us up, and the entire Jewish community, past, present, and future.
Wishing you a Shabbat Shalom and Happy Pride!
With blessings,
Cantor Audrey
